The Controlling, Narcissist Leader/Pastor
Ungodly, controlling pastors have hurt many people. The phrase "ungodly pastors" seems to be an oxymoron. These two words shouldn't go together in the same sentence, but the sad truth is there are pastors and leaders who are only in the position for their own lustful desires.
These dictating leaders can be described by many words - controllers, manipulators, narcissists, psychopaths, cult leaders, false pastors, false prophets, and dictators, to name a few. There are varying degrees of this type of leadership and some are more damaging than others, but I have seen the negative effects these type of leaders can have on people. Some pastors are just strong leaders, while others are narcissistic psychopaths. If you haven't ever been around a person like this it may be hard for you to imagine that there are people who go to these extreme measures. But for those who have suffered under this type of heartless leadership, you know all too well how deep the wounds go.
Here are some signs and characteristics of a narcissist, unscriptural leader.....
*Resembles the same attitude Diotrephes had in III John verse 9. He is proud, carnal, demanding, overbearing, impatient, uncompassionate, "loving" only toward those who submit to him, but mean-spirited toward those who do not agree with him.
*He develops doctrines from pet verses that appear to support his view.
*He makes people feel that they cannot make important decisions and know God's will without him.
*He exalts himself before the people.
*He ridicules his associates, making them look small in the eyes of the church members, thus increasing his own prestige and authority and decreasing theirs.
*He treats people who leave as fools and evil men. All kindness and friendship is withdrawn by the leaders. People are only treated kindly when they submit to his doctrines and "authority."
*He contradicts himself a lot.
*He is accountable to no one.
*He provokes and intimidates people to get what he wants.
*He demands respect instead of trying to earn respect.
*He wears a phony grin and acts like everything is all right even when things are falling apart in his church.
*He acts as if he knows everything, but he really doesn't know how to handle problems he has caused.
*He is a captive storyteller and exaggerates the truth all the time. He is able to spin a web that intrigues others and pulls them into his life.
*He has the capacity to destroy his critics verbally and disarm them emotionally.
*He does not recognize the individuality or rights of others.
*He is extremely self-serving and thinks he deserves royal treatment.
*He has no checks on his behavior - anything goes.
*He has tremendous feelings of entitlement. He believes everything is owed to him as a right.
*He presents himself as a genius.
*He has an insatiable need for adoration. When others aren't praising him, he will praise himself.
*He gives the perception that he lives a grandiose life, but paranoia rules him. He creates an us vs. them mentality because of his perceived hostile environment.
*He lies coolly and easily, even when it is obvious he is being untruthful. It is almost impossible for him to be consistently truthful about either a major or minor issue.
*He is a plagiarist and a thief. He seldom gives credit to the true originators of ideas.
*He is extremely convincing and could more than likely pass a lie detector test.
*He does not have friends.
*He doesn't not have feelings of remorse, shame, or guilt. He feels justified in all his actions because he considers himself the ultimate moral arbiter. Nothing gets in his way.
*He is unmoved by things that would unset the normal person, while outraged by insignificant matters.
*He is cold, with shallow emotions, living in a dark world of his own.
*He can witness or order acts of utter brutality without experiencing a shred of emotion.
*He casts himself in a role of total control, which he plays to the hilt.
*He is tragically flawed in being able to either give or receive love.
*He despises community and emotional intimacy, and so he is profoundly lonely. On the one hand, though, there is something about his loneliness that he likes; for he can attribute it to his unique and superior nature.
*He constantly tests the beliefs of his followers, often with bizarre behaviors.
*He readily takes advantage of others, expressing utter contempt for anyone else's feelings. Someone in distress is not important to him. Although intelligent, perceptive, and quite good at sizing people up, he makes no real connections with others. He uses his "people skills" to exploit, abuse, and wield power.
*He will favor and offer help to people who are down as long as he thinks they will be useful to him later on down the road. Such favors might include offering employment, loaning money, or offering personal counseling. He may call in his favor if he sees you slipping away. Also, such opportunities help the narcissist persuade himself that he is good, despite the gnawing awareness of the dark cellar at heart.
*He has an inflated sense of superiority which propels him to recklessness; for he is subject to fantasies of omnipotence and unequalled brilliance, and he feels that he is above the law. And it is this sense of superiority that allows him to underestimate the intelligence and determination of his adversaries.
*He is indifferent to injustice and it's victims, but he rages against the person who is a threat to his charade and/or who refuses to cooperate with his underhanded schemes.
These dictating leaders can be described by many words - controllers, manipulators, narcissists, psychopaths, cult leaders, false pastors, false prophets, and dictators, to name a few. There are varying degrees of this type of leadership and some are more damaging than others, but I have seen the negative effects these type of leaders can have on people. Some pastors are just strong leaders, while others are narcissistic psychopaths. If you haven't ever been around a person like this it may be hard for you to imagine that there are people who go to these extreme measures. But for those who have suffered under this type of heartless leadership, you know all too well how deep the wounds go.
Here are some signs and characteristics of a narcissist, unscriptural leader.....
*Resembles the same attitude Diotrephes had in III John verse 9. He is proud, carnal, demanding, overbearing, impatient, uncompassionate, "loving" only toward those who submit to him, but mean-spirited toward those who do not agree with him.
*He develops doctrines from pet verses that appear to support his view.
*He makes people feel that they cannot make important decisions and know God's will without him.
*He exalts himself before the people.
*He ridicules his associates, making them look small in the eyes of the church members, thus increasing his own prestige and authority and decreasing theirs.
*He treats people who leave as fools and evil men. All kindness and friendship is withdrawn by the leaders. People are only treated kindly when they submit to his doctrines and "authority."
*He contradicts himself a lot.
*He is accountable to no one.
*He provokes and intimidates people to get what he wants.
*He demands respect instead of trying to earn respect.
*He wears a phony grin and acts like everything is all right even when things are falling apart in his church.
*He acts as if he knows everything, but he really doesn't know how to handle problems he has caused.
*He is a captive storyteller and exaggerates the truth all the time. He is able to spin a web that intrigues others and pulls them into his life.
*He has the capacity to destroy his critics verbally and disarm them emotionally.
*He does not recognize the individuality or rights of others.
*He is extremely self-serving and thinks he deserves royal treatment.
*He has no checks on his behavior - anything goes.
*He has tremendous feelings of entitlement. He believes everything is owed to him as a right.
*He presents himself as a genius.
*He has an insatiable need for adoration. When others aren't praising him, he will praise himself.
*He gives the perception that he lives a grandiose life, but paranoia rules him. He creates an us vs. them mentality because of his perceived hostile environment.
*He lies coolly and easily, even when it is obvious he is being untruthful. It is almost impossible for him to be consistently truthful about either a major or minor issue.
*He is a plagiarist and a thief. He seldom gives credit to the true originators of ideas.
*He is extremely convincing and could more than likely pass a lie detector test.
*He does not have friends.
*He doesn't not have feelings of remorse, shame, or guilt. He feels justified in all his actions because he considers himself the ultimate moral arbiter. Nothing gets in his way.
*He is unmoved by things that would unset the normal person, while outraged by insignificant matters.
*He is cold, with shallow emotions, living in a dark world of his own.
*He can witness or order acts of utter brutality without experiencing a shred of emotion.
*He casts himself in a role of total control, which he plays to the hilt.
*He is tragically flawed in being able to either give or receive love.
*He despises community and emotional intimacy, and so he is profoundly lonely. On the one hand, though, there is something about his loneliness that he likes; for he can attribute it to his unique and superior nature.
*He constantly tests the beliefs of his followers, often with bizarre behaviors.
*He readily takes advantage of others, expressing utter contempt for anyone else's feelings. Someone in distress is not important to him. Although intelligent, perceptive, and quite good at sizing people up, he makes no real connections with others. He uses his "people skills" to exploit, abuse, and wield power.
*He will favor and offer help to people who are down as long as he thinks they will be useful to him later on down the road. Such favors might include offering employment, loaning money, or offering personal counseling. He may call in his favor if he sees you slipping away. Also, such opportunities help the narcissist persuade himself that he is good, despite the gnawing awareness of the dark cellar at heart.
*He has an inflated sense of superiority which propels him to recklessness; for he is subject to fantasies of omnipotence and unequalled brilliance, and he feels that he is above the law. And it is this sense of superiority that allows him to underestimate the intelligence and determination of his adversaries.
*He is indifferent to injustice and it's victims, but he rages against the person who is a threat to his charade and/or who refuses to cooperate with his underhanded schemes.
A few other of this guy's machinations included nepotism and the tactical use of the ability to become "offended". I always thought that for a big, tuff-guy, man-of-god, spiritual warrior, apostle that he claims to be...this dude sure gets "offended" a lot.
Speaking of being above the law, this "Apostle" actually committed so many traffic violations that he lost his driver's license in the state of Pennsylvania and had to go to driver's school and re-take all the original tests that we did as teenagers in order to get it back.
He also lost a primo job and a Victorian house (details from his sermons are sketchy) before becoming a "Pastor" declaring himself an "Apostle" and making a living out of convincing other people to give him their money through guilt, manipulation, and the perversion of Scripture.
I could go on with these kinds of examples but suffice to say that Christian International "Apostle Brian" is about as much of an apostle as he is a Cy Young award-winning major league baseball player. That would be NOT AT ALL!
Now that somehow I have escaped from this monstrosity, I find myself marveling at the level of contempt, repulsion and revulsion that I feel for him and his personality disorder. It's like nothing I have ever felt for anyone else anywhere at anytime in my life (including the Navy) and it happened of all places in "the church".
I'm guessing it's just a standard by-product of the residue leftover from 2.5 years of foolishly committing myself and my money to a control freak/manipulation monster.
BTW, he definitely thinks he's a genius.
I know exactly what you mean!
My former pastor failed at several jobs before becoming a pastor. I have come to the conclusion that he figured out manipulating trusting people would be easy money. He has lived the high life for years while others struggled. He preached that his faith got him all he had, but it really came because of his countless pleas for people to tithe and give to their "man of God."
I don't know of another man who is disliked as much as this man. He has hurt so many people you couldn't even count them. Every person I run into has a story about something he did. And yet when people start standing up to him he calls it an attack of the devil. He says all of these people are evil and snakes and wolves. In his eyes he will never be wrong. He will never see that he is the common denominator in every situation.
My former pastor thinks he is a genius too. He is the only one who is right - and he will let you know you are an "idiot" if you try to tell him different. (Idiot is his favorite word.) He learns big words and uses them to look big. He tells everyone they should go get a college degree, but he doesn't have one himself.
We got preached to over and over about not getting offended and walking in love. AND yet it didn't apply to him. He would treat someone ugly and then talk about how we all had to walk in love. I was always scratching my head over that one. He just wanted us to overlook what him and some of his family members were doing.
I could go on and on!
Thanks for the comment!
As I read your list, the characteristics are surprisingly similar. I bring this up to warn people that abusers aren’t just in churches. They’ll go wherever they can find a group that is open to manipulation and control.
Thanks for sharing this list and for your blog. People need to be warned and I’m thankful for blogs like yours that are speaking truth to those who are still bound.
Thanks for pointing out that we need to be aware of this type of abuse in many different situations.
I want to continue to post things that may help those who are still bound see the truth. I only wish I had read things like this years ago.
Thanks for the comment!
I appreciate the post, and I am sitting under a man like this. What did you guys do to handle men like this? Did you just leave the church, or did you try to fight it?
I believe there are times when men like this are a judgment on the people. This is the second man our leadership has chosen that acts like this. I believe it is a mix up in the fundamental values of the leadership, but that still does not nullify my love for the people here.
How are we to handle these harmful, uncompassionate, unloving "pastors"?(I hate to even call them that, as they do no actual pastoring)
There is nothing you can do when dealing with men like this. They NEVER think they are wrong and the only way to handle this type of situation is to leave. Trying to fight it will only hurt you and your family. These type of men will say and do almost anything, so I would just go quietly and move on to a place where the real love of God is practiced.
I know it's hard to leave the people you have grown to love in the church. I had friends at my former church who I had known for many years. But I can tell you to expect some of them to shun you when you leave. Some people will be loyal followers these "pastors" no matter what because he has them fooled/brainwashed.
The pastor I was under was extremely unloving and uncompassionate. I don't know why I didn't realize sooner that the Bible says if a man doesn't love people, then he doesn't love/know God. Love is the sign of a true man of God. Serving others is a sign of a true man of God. When pastors are only looking for people to serve them, then are they really a true man of God? The Bible answers that question very clearly. We cannot judge a man's spiritual condition - only God knows that, but the Bible does tell us to look at the fruit. If there is no good fruit - love, compassion, service, etc., being modeled, then my opinion is to run as fast as you can away from a place like that and find the real thing.
Thanks for commenting. I hope that helps and if you ever have any other questions please feel free to ask.
In a battle with leadership, I believe the deck is stacked against you and you’ll always end up the loser.
Biblical Pastors
Excerpt:
The last thing a pastor would ever want to admit; was how he acted as supreme ruler over his immediate local kingdom, he might frequently refer to as, “My Church”. It may stem from upbringing or just the way he manages his own household. The kind of leader I am talking about, reads 1 Timothy 3:5 and sees himself as commander in chief of the home; and takes on the approach of a military officer commanding the troops. Sitting at the helm he has the final say in all matters. His words might come across like, “Wife and kids, you don’t have to think; just ask me and I will tell you.” However these approaches rarely produce any kind of respect, but rather fear. At the very least, it produces a family who will not think for themselves. They will become overly dependent on others to make their decisions for them. This dominating leader likes it when his followers become totally reliant.
Last month the pastor spoke and said that for the last 9 months we have not had communion because when they had it last he looked around and saw people's faces and decided that the church people were not being genuine. My husband and I have been asking for months when they will do communion again and the church leaders kept telling us that they wanted to wait to find out how they could make it more meaningful. My husband is being totally blinded and says "they must have their reason". My husband loves it there because he now has friends and the men really stick together. I like my friends too, but I am really scared of not obeying God. I am praying that my husband will see that this control is not healthy and that God will give us Christian friends again when we go to another church. We have a 5yr old and a 3yr old and we need prayer of where to go.
The church that I used to go seemed to only care about you when they wanted something from you, and as soon as they get it-the appreciation is only temporary. Heaven forbid if you dare ask anyone for anything because you shouldn't be needy, only giving; or if you make a living and don't tithe what is expected every week. Apparently, to some churches, wage earners aren't entitled to keeping much of their earnings for anything materialistic.
Since when are pastors entitled to larger stipends for their service? Shouldn't they be setting an example by living by a simple means and not more? I realize that not all are like that, but their are some who are very greedy and have expensive homes and cars, while members of their church are barely getting by.
Another thing that I have noticed about church groups is they will often make excuses for other people's behavior and you are supposed to just forgive and all will be well. To me that is the biggest load of crap because there is no accountability for actions.
I also have realized that over time even after spending a significant amount of time with peers (the youth group, bible study, or other outings) that most of the relationships formed in those groups were superficial.
There are so many things that can be pointed out and could go on. I hope that I am not long-winded.
I'm sharing this article with anyone who will listen. I'm hoping it will open some eyes, hearts, and minds.
We are part of a different church but will be praying for this deception to be revealed in due time.
Thanks for the article.