Thursday, October 16, 2008

Characteristics Of A Controlling Person

Here's a list of common characteristics of a controlling person......

*Overemphasizes his/her importance

*Exaggerates to the extreme

*Greedy, only thinks of him/herself

*Lies extremely convincingly

*Projects an illusion of power that he/she does not have

*Lives in a world of distortion

*Switches from charm to killer instinct suddenly





*Inability to admit wrong





*Sows seeds of discord

*Hate (for those who question him/her)

*Uses fear and intimidation in order to cloud the minds of those they desire to control

*Uses threats to influence

*Needs to accomplish his/her will (at anyone's expense)

*Never takes any blame

*Brags excessively

*Criticizes others

*Preoccupied with self

*Bound with a fear of rejection

*Uses others (only to benefit him/herself)

*Possessive love (turns from sweet to sour if doesn't get his/her way)

*Vindictive and mean-spirited if doesn't get his/her way

*Continually collects ammunition to use in case he/she loses his/her grip on power

*Doesn't seem to have a conscience

What motivates controllers?

*They cannot stand to be wrong.

*They are motivated by insecurity.

*They have a need to feel power and authority, and they will do anything to achieve it.

*They have a need to be elevated, awarding themselves credit and titles.

*They feel they know more than anyone; therefore, they dominate converstations.

*They feel that no one can handle things as well as they can (not even God). Therefore, they take things into their own hands.

*Sometimes a controller becomes temporarily remorseful, but soon goes back to his/her controlling tactics. The learned behavior is deeply rooted, and the controller enjoys the taste of power.

*If you threaten their power and influence, they will seek to destroy you.

*This information is from the book "Confronting Jezebel, Discerning And Defeating The Spirit Of Control," by Steve Sampson.

*The posts, Characteristics Of Control and The Controlling Leader also have detailed lists of characteristics of a controlling person.


Susan said...

I see some things that are familiar. Some of these were visible during a family member's last conversation with the former pastor.
I will always remember greeting our former pastor for a friend of his who had spoken at a church event that I had attended in another state. The pastor knew I had once attended the out-of-state church and knew its pastor. That church had since gone through some changes and through time had seen the loss of some members. He mentioned to me (in referring to my former church), "You were there when it was good, weren't you?" I thought of that comment as unnecessary and somewhat arrogant. The pastor of the other church is a man I love and respect and we loved attending it.
As it turns out, I had to leave the more recent church without being able to say, "I was here when it was good!" Ironic.

Aida said...

I can definitely relate to this list of characteristics. "Switching from charm to killer instinct" really stood out to me. I still remember the phone call I got when I questioned something that was taught. It reminded of the hissing of a serpent.

c. said...

This list has been very helpful.

Anonymous said...

Men with a controlling personality appear to be very charming and likeable. They generally are, however their negative impulses override all the good. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is controlling (not physically abusive), know that there is a price to pay for the charm. They also tend to be quite impatient.

For the most part there are factors into how they choose relationships. My experience showed me that they pick frienships where they are the center of attention. The insecure nature is why the controller needs to feel good or at least normal by falsely making themselves superior.

Set Free said...

To Anonymous,
Thanks for sharing this. It is very insightful. Please add any more insight you have on this subject.

Cheryl said...

Oh my gosh, my soon to be ex-husband has ALL of the characteristics! I have asked him to go to counseling, but he would not have any part of it, he said he was perfect and he knew everything. He was verbal abusing me over the phone earlier and as I was reading the characteristic about showing remorse, he called to aplogize, he has done that before, but always went back to his abuse. Can they really change for the better?

Set Free said...

Cheryl, I don't think people like this will change because they don't think they need to. They think everyone else needs to change because they think they are always right. I'm glad you are getting out of a situation like this. You will be much happier away from the controller. Glad you commented.

Cheryl said...

I know I am doing the right thing, but it is easier said than done. I still love him and want to be with him. I don't understand why I still want to be with him. Is there something wrong with me? I am going to see a counselor today to see if he can give me any answers. Thanks Set Free for your input!

Set Free said...

No, there is nothing wrong with you. When you have been with someone for a long period of time it's not easy to just walk away. But if he is mistreating you, you have to have the self respect to stand up for yourself. And it sounds like that's what you are doing and you will be better for it in the end. Controlling, manipulating people rarely ever change and you would continue to go through the same scenerios over and over if you stayed. You will heal over time and it will get easier. I'm glad you are going to a counselor. I hope that helps.

Cheryl said...

I went to the counselor today, he has been very helpful. Telling me on the sames lines what you have been telling me and me knowing deep down the same thing. Talking and hearing it from someone else helps alot. I can't believe I let him take my self respect, but I AM taking it back. Oh, he is so arrogant. I know I have to go through with this. Thanks for your encouragement!

Cheryl said...

Well, my husband called me around 11:00 last night. said he had a nightmare and wanted to make sure I was safe and alright. He said he didn't want to lose me. We are supposed to talk tonight. I'm keeping my guard up. Any suggestions?

Set Free said...

Controllers are really good at making promises to make you stay and then they not following through with them. He thinks he knows what to say to get you back, but if he is anything like the controllers I know, he won't change. This is all my opinion and I am not a professional counselor, but if he wants to stay together I would make him have some proving time apart from you. I would require that he go to counselling for a while and then watch him from a distance. If you go back now without him making any changes you will only end up in this same spot again and you will only be prolonging your healing time. Like I said before, controllers rarely change. It can be done if they really want the help for themselves, but just make sure there is a real change and he is not just saying what he thinks you want or need to hear. If you go and talk tonight, be strong and don't just give in just because he says the right things. Let him know he is not going to bully you or controll you any longer. Show him that you have taken charge of your life once again and don't back down. You deserve to be happy and have someone treat with respect. Let me know how it turns out.

Cheryl said...

You are so right! It went terrible last night. I told him what I wanted out of the relationship and he told me he isn't going to change. He agreed to go to the counselor, but I think he is just going for the spite of it. He told me he has three lawyers and he was going to bring me down, but he loves me and wants us to be together. I think he is just trying to put fear in me. It's so crazy. I will be glad when everything is over with.

Set Free said...

It's no surprise that it didn't go well. I was in a situation where when the controller began to see he was losing control he tried playing on our every emotion to get the control back. He tried to act sad and got teary eyed. He tried getting angry and yelling. He tried, "We've been through so much together, we need each other." When nothing he did worked, he started accusing us of being wrong. He is just a bully and when we didn't give in he left and talked about us even though we had done nothing wrong. How cowardly is that?! I wouldn't worry about his threats about the 3lawyers. He is probably just blowing hot air to scare you into giving in. Stand your ground and be strong. Once you are out of the situation you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. It may be hard for a short time but in the end it will be worth getting your life back.

Sherri said...

Run as fast as you can Cheryl. Set free is right. He won't change!

Cheryl said...

Well, he says he wants things to work out, but I don't see any action from him. I talked to my attorney's assistant today, and she told me he was probably just trying to scare me saying he has got three attorney's. Why would he need 3 attorney's anyway? I am going through with the divorce, yall are all right, he will never change. The only way he will change is with God and him wanting to change. It is hard now, but I know it will be better in the end. Thanks again for the advice and encouragement! I will keep yall posted.

Jacque said...

Wow, it took me almost 20 years to learn that i had a controlling husband. I met him when i was 18 years old and still in school, so i bet he felt that he owned me. Now it has been a mixture of feeling unwanted, unvaluable, guilty all the time, fear of the unknown, low it. I left him but came back and he has never stopped reminding me of the fact that i need him and thats why i returned, and of the fact that he is just helping me gain my self - esteem and respect. I wont leave again because the kids had a rough time dealing with the absence of his children, and by the way, he loves his children to bits, but when it comes to me, thats a different story altogether. Shame that we have to end up with such freaks....

Anonymous said...

I had an ex-wife who was very insecure and controlling. Needless to say I re-married and my current wife recently made comments to me expressing that she feels I am a controlling person. It is hard for me because the examples she gave me were situations in which I thought I was being helpful. For instance one day I saw that the linen closet was a mess so I re-folded the towels and blankets, making plenty of extra room. When she got home I said "Hey come take a look at the closet. This is how I folded the towels to make it look that way." This was met with "Don't you think that at my age I know how to fold towels? I already fold them like that." Another instance: She was putting a dvd in the player and my 2 year old wanted to do it. We talked before about the fact that I really don't think that he should be doing that; whenever he wants to watch something I let him know that part is for mommy and daddy to do. As she was about to let him I kindly reminded her of that which she replied, "loud sigh." My cleaning up and doing dishes when I see it needs to be done was met with "Do you know what emasculate means?" At this point, I don't know what else to say. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

We've just kicked a controller out of our band and it feels good.

He's a reasonably attractive charmer wth an Irish accent... girls throw themselves at him only to eventually become very unhappy. He tells them what to wear, I've noticed!

In the band, he tried to take over. He built alliances wherever he could, trying to turn people against each other. He also did the same when we introduced him to our friends - caused problems.


Anonymous said...

I have an issue with a family member who amongst other things seems to want to know what I am doing almost all of the time.
Seriously, sometimes in the morning she want to know what I am planning on doing that day, or she will constantly be inquiring throughout the day either directly or otherwise. Usually its based around the computer which I use a lot, but sometimes it really gets to me.

Frankly, I don't always want to tell her everything, so perhaps I'm in the wrong to a certain extent.
My usual might be little evasive, or to just tell a little but not give all the details, or perhaps to say what I have been doing (but not perhaps what I am doing then and there).

I know this may sound terrible and I don't want to lie and sin, but sometimes I just don't want to tell her everything I am doing 24/7.

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