Manipulators are very good at controlling others. Their behaviors consist of flattering, threatening, making you feel guilty, and demeaning you. You may get confused over a period of time because they use different tactics to best fit what they want at the time. If you often feel stressed and resentful after spending time with this person, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator.
The manipulator's behavior defined:
Flattery. Manipulators will pour on the flattery when they think it will help them work their way into a person's life. Manipulators use flattery to pull in unsuspecting prospects. Every time you turn around they pour on the compliments, sometimes to the point of being ridiculous.
Threats. Threats can be subtle or they can be severe. Some threats may include refusing to allow family members to see the children, divorce, and even suicide. In many cases these are just empty threats because manipulators are bullies on the outside, but cowards on the inside. However, never take a threat lightly and always take the proper precautions to protect yourself.
Guilt. Manipulators will make you feel guilty if you try to call them on the carpet. They are never wrong in their eyes and in most situations you cannot win against a manipulator. They play the victim and place the blame on everyone but themselves. You will find yourself constantly apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong. The best thing you can do is not deal with a manipulator at all.
Demeaning. When things don't go their way they will try to tear you down. They will call you names, talk bad about you to others, and sometimes even physical abuse is involved. The manipulator will try to wear down your self esteem so that you will become dependent on him/her. Most manipulators have terrible self-esteem issues.
Tips on dealing with a controller or manipulator.....
*When you recognize that you have been controlled or manipulated, distance yourself from the manipulator and his/her agenda.
*You should know that you cannot change them. You can only change your reaction to their bizarre behavior. (Many times you don't even realize how bizarre their behavior really was until you are away from it for a while.)
*Have the self-respect to stand up for yourself and do not let the controller take away your independence any longer. Life was meant to be enjoyed with a person who respects you and allows you to be yourself.
*Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family. They have your best interest in mind. If everyone who cares about you is concerned about your relationship, trust them. You may be under such control that you just can't see it for what it is. Once you get away from the manipulator you will begin to see it for what it truly is.
*Know that people like this rarely change and probably the best thing for you to do is remove yourself from this type of relationship and not look back.
(If you found this post helpful, you may want to read Dealing With Manipulative People and Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?)
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8 comments:
I used all of these methods because of my learned behavior while hanging around fellow wof pastors and listening to their Cds
This brought back some memories. When I was in the abusive church I had emailed the pastor concerned about what had been said from the pulpit by a close friend of his. Well, I got a phone call a few days later and his tone reminded me of a snake hissing.
I was already almost out by that time and that phone call only helped to make me know that he wasn't willing to listen to any genuine concerns so it was time for me to exit.
Very good points! It was encouraging to find another like-minded person who feels much the same way I do! I love all of the resources you have on your blog, its a great source!
You describe the behaviour well- but you do not give any advice to the person who is dealing with manipulation from family members?
How does one 'have nothing to do with them' in this situation?
I have been around two master manipulator's in my lifetime and one of them was a family member. It's very hard and I can relate to what you are asking. I think the main thing to remember is to stay on guard when you know you will be around this person. Manipulators rarely ever change and it will be a challenging situation every time you are around them. Don't give in to their tactics and stand your ground. In my situation I continued to give the benefit of the doubt to this person, but every time I got burned. I finally realized that you can't trust these type people with any amount of your heart. You have to keep it very surface and when it gets too stressful you just have to remove yourself from the situation. I hope that helps and I'm adding a link to some helpful articles on dealing with manipulators. www.relationship-rescue-lindsey.blogspot.com
I gave this person chance after chance. After a few years I finally realized she wasn't going to change. I had to get out. Once I did I saw things so clear. A manipulator will drain the life out of you.
She was my colleague when I was working in a christian organization serving the persecuted church. Ironically, I was persecuted by her. Trying to keep the peace and keeping quiet did not do much good for me because she still accuse me of not talking to her. Things are never peaceful around a manipulator as she is never satisfied and she will always portray herself as a poor innocent victim. Realising the unhealty situation, I removed myself from it by God's grace. Thank God!
Set free: Thank you for all your posts. The master manipulator in my life was my older sister. I stayed under her thumb decades, always hurting, always confused, until I had virtually no self-esteem left. I trusted and loved her, because I thought she loved me. It took a long time for my eyes to be opened to the fact that she didn't care about me one bit. She only cared about getting whatever she wanted. Period.
I'm about 5 years out from breaking off contact with her - I had been the one to always call and it took her 3 years before she contacted me and it seemed to me that she had only just realized that she hadn't spoken to me "in a while."
Still healing, hope someday to not be dealing with all this.
My sister is not a pastor, but it's interesting to note that her manipulation of me really started when I became a Christian. She professed to be a Christian for about 10 -15 years before I did. As I learned more and more about Christ and was in those early fired up stages, she used this to manipulate me. The edicts on "serving" and "self-sacrifice" were used to guilt and manipulate me to do everything she wanted. To the point of my own physical exhaustion and unsafety,even. When I pointed this out to her, it just didn't matter. As a new Christian, I took her "advise" to heart, and it didn't matter if it was unsafe for me or I was beyond physical exhaustion - I worked nights and her "requests" almost always entailed me missing sleep for days on end and/or driving without sleep for days in order to do my job and do what she wanted - I did everything she wanted for years.
Now, I am trying to rid myself of my anger and resentment toward her.
Your blog is so important.
It's important for people to know that manipulators can be not only pastors or leaders, but your own family members, as well.
Anyone who manipulates you does not deserve to be in your life. And, when you block them from your life, you are not being selfish, you are not harming them, you are not acting against Christian principles.
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