Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Spiritual Abuse Recovery

I was asked recently to review a book by Dr. Barbara Orlowski titled, Spiritual Abuse Recovery. I have been reading it and can relate to everything she has written in her book because of my past involvement in an abusive church. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has left or is contemplating leaving an abusive church.

When Barb emailed to ask me to read her book, we began to converse back and forth. I have really enjoyed getting to know her. She is a wonderful person who is passionate about helping others in the area of spiritual abuse.

One section that really spoke to me in the book was where Barb shared quotes from people who have been involved in an abusive church. In doing research, she had the participants respond to a questionnaire about their experience. I want to share some of those questions and the answers that were given. When I was searching for answers, it was such a help to know others had been through what I was going through and to hear them voice it. Can you find yourself in any of the comments these people made?

The following comments describe the reasons why participants left their church:

"There was a tremendous dichotomy between what was said by leadership, and the message they actually conveyed. They often spoke of the freedom we have as believers, as well as our individual value in God's eyes. But any attempt to think or act with any degree of freedom was quickly and firmly labeled as unsubmissiveness to leadership."

"The main problem stemmed from the fact that the leader was not submitted to anyone and yet wanted submission. His doctrine was off and his tactics were abusive and the church showed no fruit."

"It was clear that the pastor was never going to address any problems: present or future...I was told that the Lord spoke to my pastor, so if I disagreed, I was in error."

"We had invested greatly in this congregation. It was hard to understand how people in leadership positions could "put up" and even enable this kind of behavior by the pastor. Leadership and authority exercised by one person in a congregation is not only unbiblical, but is inherently abusive and destructive."

"The pastor had left such a trail of hurting and damaged people, and I felt I could no longer be a part of that type of destruction."

"We were falsely accused by the pastor of being rebellious and unsubmitted. The church we left is still being destroyed by authoritarian leadership, control, and abuse. It was a wonderful community of people that was ruined by false spiritual leadership."

"I believed so much of what they said. I towed the lines they put up. You need to understand something: these people (the leaders) were my life. I took care of their children for them. I put my own interests last and served them for years. I made it possible both physically and financially for them to exist. As far as the rest of the group, I really thought they would know our hearts and at least come to talk. Only one couple did."

"Our eyes were opened to seeing that our church was run by a manipulative and oppressively controlling pastor who had just enough charisma and mountain charm to bamboozle the masses into believing and following him as "God's anointed," appointed for this church and the surrounding area of the county. Adding to his ruling hand is an Elder Board of "Yes Men" of which the pastor was chairman."

The following are comments from those who felt that they had to leave a position or were asked to leave (were fired) from a church position:

"I got fired from the assistant pastor position for questioning the authority. Hardest part, for me, was to forgive myself for being duped by a pastor who I should have seen through much earlier on in the fourteen years I spent under his ministry."

"The senior pastor while able to be quite charming to the congregation and others in the community, was emotionally abusive to his staff in general and had become increasingly abusive to me my last year on staff. The dynamics in the office were often hard for me to understand, but in the last months working there I saw the pastor's behavior as deceptive, grandiose, and highly manipulative."

The following comment was given to the question: How did you process the negative and positive feelings after you left?

"I spent months going over things, over and over and over, tyring to figure out how they went wrong, what we could have done differently, examining my own heart, tyring to see if I was blind to the things they accused me of. That basically led me to a search to understand how and why something like this could happen. I began reading a lot about systemic, governmental, and relational issues in church, especially things related to the use and misuse of authority by leadership. Being able to understand what was wrong about our situation helped me to accept and deal with it."

A few other comments shared by participants included things they learned from their experience:

"Through this painful experience, I have learned to be compassionate and understanding toward others."

"I have a sensitivity for strugglers and a radar for fakers. I guard against heresy, always checking Bible references that speakers just throw out there to back up their opinions. I question practices and teachings that set off my warning lights. I have a heightened sense of discernment. I am very aware of the potential for the abuse of power in any setting, even my own. I am more candid and honest. I am less of a people pleaser."

"Church shouldn't hurt."

"It has made me examine the whole idea of the institutional church, and what happens when you give pastors authority and control, over their staff, over entire ministries. Who is the Church? Isn't it us? It has also made me value support groups more. The belief of these pastors is that more Bible study is all we need. Well it isn't. We need to be in relationships where we can begin to experience relationship with others, where authenticity and honesty are valued, where grace can be experienced."

"I am better than ever! Although there are ups and downs, I finally feel that I am beginning to know God personally. Although I know I have only scratched the surface in this respect. I have a hunger to know him that is not driven by fear or obligation. I feel far more rooted in grace now, not performance. And I firmly believe that performance and perfection is not what He wants in me either, but only that I would know how totally I am loved."

You can find many more of these comments and other great information on spiritual abuse in Dr. Barb's book, which can be found on Amazon.com. Follow this link. www.churchexiters.com

The Ugly Truth

This past weekend when another sex scandal about a prominent pastor came to light, the NPR website had some things to say that are worth repeating. The writer spoke of the devastation young people face when church leaders use their power to abuse and how we must stand up to these leaders.

"For many young people, the reality is that they are sacrificed on the altar built for pastors we have deified. We must dismantle the cult of the clergy and other leadership frameworks that place male leaders above reproach. We must stop regarding our cowardice as loyalty and take the risks to support our young when they are victimized.

How can we ensure them that if they disclose their abuse, they will be believed and their abusers will be confronted, regardless of their ranking? By challenging abusers who hold authority in our organizations, families and communities, we prioritize the safety and health of our young over peer approval and the comfort of "getting along."

One who cannot face aspects of himself that he despises will train that animus on another whom he regards as his opposite. Did he sell out countless individuals in order to throw congregants off the scent of his own hunt, the exploitation of young men? Was there a point when, at first, a few and then many knew what was happening and said nothing? How long will we enable the abuse perpetrated in word and deed by our pastors? When will we dare to speak the ugly, inconvenient truth even when we are afraid?"

Is Your Church Spiritually Abusive?

I came across 3 good articles today. Here are the links:
Is Your Church Spiritually Abusive?
Escaping Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual Abuse

Newspaper Covers Spiritual Abuse

Click here to read an article on spiritual abuse from a California newspaper. I hope that more newspapers, radio shows, and talk shows start covering this subject. I think there are so many more people out there who have been affected by spiritual abuse than could ever be imagined.

Click here to read an article about people taking action against a spiritually abusive pastor.

Great Post Link

I read a great post on Provender's blog called, "Are You Covering For A Spiritually Abusive Pastor?" I could relate to all 20 signs. If you have been a part of a church like this or if you suspect you might be, this list is eye opening. Click here to read.

Attack Of The Super Apostles

I came across a very informative article called, "Attack Of The Super Apostles." It describes in detail how these false ministers operate. (Click on title to read.)

Here is also a series of articles called, "The Super Apostles Series."

The Manipulator's Behavior Defined

Manipulators are very good at controlling others. Their behaviors consist of flattering, threatening, making you feel guilty, and demeaning you. You may get confused over a period of time because they use different tactics to best fit what they want at the time. If you often feel stressed and resentful after spending time with this person, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator.

The manipulator's behavior defined:

Flattery. Manipulators will pour on the flattery when they think it will help them work their way into a person's life. Manipulators use flattery to pull in unsuspecting prospects. Every time you turn around they pour on the compliments, sometimes to the point of being ridiculous.

Threats. Threats can be subtle or they can be severe. Some threats may include refusing to allow family members to see the children, divorce, and even suicide. In many cases these are just empty threats because manipulators are bullies on the outside, but cowards on the inside. However, never take a threat lightly and always take the proper precautions to protect yourself.
Guilt. Manipulators will make you feel guilty if you try to call them on the carpet. They are never wrong in their eyes and in most situations you cannot win against a manipulator. They play the victim and place the blame on everyone but themselves. You will find yourself constantly apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong. The best thing you can do is not deal with a manipulator at all.

Demeaning. When things don't go their way they will try to tear you down. They will call you names, talk bad about you to others, and sometimes even physical abuse is involved. The manipulator will try to wear down your self esteem so that you will become dependent on him/her. Most manipulators have terrible self-esteem issues.

Tips on dealing with a controller or manipulator.....

*When you recognize that you have been controlled or manipulated, distance yourself from the manipulator and his/her agenda.

*You should know that you cannot change them. You can only change your reaction to their bizarre behavior. (Many times you don't even realize how bizarre their behavior really was until you are away from it for a while.)

*Have the self-respect to stand up for yourself and do not let the controller take away your independence any longer. Life was meant to be enjoyed with a person who respects you and allows you to be yourself.

*Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family. They have your best interest in mind. If everyone who cares about you is concerned about your relationship, trust them. You may be under such control that you just can't see it for what it is. Once you get away from the manipulator you will begin to see it for what it truly is.

*Know that people like this rarely change and probably the best thing for you to do is remove yourself from this type of relationship and not look back.

(If you found this post helpful, you may want to read Dealing With Manipulative People and Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?)

How To Live

There are many people who lived under strong legalism for many years in our former church. There were so many rules it was hard to enjoy life, but that has all changed now for the better. The people who have left are thriving and we are very happy. The sad thing is, for all those years many good people were trying to live by every single rule only to find out the leaders were living a double life. There was nepotism, lies, money issues, mistreatment of members and staff, promises made that were never kept, and to top it off the youth pastor recently went to prison on federal sex charges.

Sometimes when people have been in an extremely controlling situation, they have to learn all over again how to live life and be themselves. This is true for church situations, job situations, bad marriages, and other types of relationships gone bad.

This is a great song that encourages you to enjoy your life and not let someone else control you and rob you of your freedom.....

The Controlling, Narcissist Leader/Pastor

Ungodly, controlling pastors have hurt many people. The phrase "ungodly pastors" seems to be an oxymoron. These two words shouldn't go together in the same sentence, but the sad truth is there are pastors and leaders who are only in the position for their own lustful desires.

These dictating leaders can be described by many words - controllers, manipulators, narcissists, psychopaths, cult leaders, false pastors, and dictators, to name a few. There are varying degrees of this type of leadership and some are more damaging than others, but I have seen the negative effects these type of leaders can have on people. Some pastors are just strong leaders, while others are narcissitic psychopaths. If you haven't ever been around a person like this it may be hard for you to imagine that there are people who go to these extreme measures. But for those who have suffered under this type of heartless leadership, you know all too well how deep the wounds go.

Here are some signs and characteristics of a narcissist, unscriptural leader.....

*Resembles the same attitude Diotrephes had in III John verse 9. He is proud, carnal, demanding, overbearing, impatient, uncompassionate, "loving" only toward those who submit to him, but mean-spirited toward those who do not agree with him.

*He develops doctrines from pet verses that appear to support his view.

*He makes people feel that they cannot make important decisions and know God's will without him.

*He exalts himself before the people.

*He ridicules his associates, making them look small in the eyes of the church members, thus increasing his own prestige and authority and decreasing theirs.

*He treats men who leave as fools and evil men. All kindness and friendship is withdrawn by the leaders. People are only treated kindly when they submit to his doctrines and "authority."

*He contradicts himself a lot.

*He is accountable to no one.

*He provokes and intimidates people to get what he wants.

*He demands respect instead of trying to earn respect.

*He wears a phony grin and acts like everything is all right even when things are falling apart in his church.

*He acts as if he knows everything, but he really doesn't know how to handle problems he has caused.

*He is a captive storyteller and exaggerates the truth all the time. He is able to spin a web that intrigues others and pulls them into his life.

*He has the capacity to destroy his critics verbally and disarm them emotionally.

*He does not recognize the individuality or rights of others.

*He is extremely self-serving and thinks he deserves royal treatment.

*He has no checks on his behavior - anything goes.

*He has tremendous feelings of entitlement. He believes everything is owed to him as a right.

*He presents himself as a genius.

*He has an insatiable need for adoration. When others aren't praising him, he will praise himself.

*He gives the perception that he lives a grandiose life, but paranoia rules him. He creates an us vs. them mentality because of his perceived hostile environment.

*He lies coolly and easily, even when it is obvious he is being untruthful. It is almost impossible for him to be consistently truthful about either a major or minor issue.

*He is a plagiarist and a thief. He seldom gives credit to the true originators of ideas.

*He is extremely convincing and could more than likely pass a lie detector test.

*He does not have friends.

*He doesn't not have feelings of remorse, shame, or guilt. He feels justified in all his actions because he considers himself the ultimate moral arbiter. Nothing gets in his way.

*He is unmoved by things that would unset the normal person, while outraged by insignificant matters.

*He is cold, with shallow emotions, living in a dark world of his own.

*He can witness or order acts of utter brutality without experiencing a shred of emotion.

*He casts himself in a role of total control, which he plays to the hilt.

*He is tragically flawed in being able to either give or receive love.

*He despises community and emotional intimacy, and so he is profoundly lonely. On the one hand, though, there is something about his loneliness that he likes; for he can attribute it to his unique and superior nature.

*He constantly tests the beliefs of his followers, often with bizarre behaviors.

*He readily takes advantage of others, expressing utter contempt for anyone else's feelings. Someone in distress is not important to him. Although intelligent, perceptive, and quite good at sizing people up, he makes no real connections with others. He uses his "people skills" to exploit, abuse, and wield power.

*He will favor and offer help to people who are down as long as he thinks they will be useful to him later on down the road. Such favors might include offering employment, loaning money, or offering personal counseling. He may call in his favor if he sees you slipping away. Also, such opportunities help the narcissist persuade himself that he is good, despite the gnawing awareness of the dark cellar at heart.

*He has an inflated sense of superiority which propels him to recklessness; for he is subject to fantasies of omnipotence and unequalled brilliance, and he feels that he is above the law. And it is this sense of superiority that allows him to underestimate the intelligence and determination of his adversaries.

*He is indifferent to injustice and it's victims, but he rages against the person who is a threat to his charade and/or who refuses to cooperate with his underhanded schemes.

(I have taken a few of these statements from an article I have been reading, entitled Narcissism and the Dynamics of Evil. I decided just to add the link instead of continuing to add to my post. It's a very informative article.)

Symptoms Of An Abusive Group

Are you still wondering if your church is showing symptoms of being an abusive group? Are you talking yourself out of leaving because your church may have virtues that seem to compensate for its possible abuses? You may not be able to see right now how being in a controlling, abusive system is affecting you, but it will damage the central core of who you are. And I can assure you it will affect your children at some point. To help you make a clear assessment, here is a review of the symptoms of an abusive religious group according to Jesus in Matthew 23:

1. Abusive leaders base their spiritual authority on their position or office rather than on their service to the group. Their style of leadership is authoritarian.

2. Leaders in abusive churches often say one thing but do another. Their words and deeds do not match.

3. They manipulate people by making them feel guilty for not measuring up spiritually. They lay heavy religious loads on people and make no effort to lift those loads. You know that you are in an abusive church if the loads just keep getting heavier.

4. Abusive leaders are preoccupied with looking good. They labor to keep up appearance. They stifle any criticism that puts them in a bad light.

5, They seek honorific titles and special privileges that elevate them above the group. They promote a class system with themselves at the top. They desire to be number one and they require everyone to refer to them as "Pastor" or "Dr."

6. Their communication is not straight. their speech becomes especially vague and confusing when they are defending themselves.

7. They major on minor issues to the neglect of the truly important ones. They are conscientious about religious details but neglect God's larger agendas.

I encourage you to read Matthew 23 in the New Living Translation. Jesus felt very strongly about religious leaders who abuse their power and use it over innocent people. He told us not to follow these "blind guides." He also pointed out in Matthew 23 that this "greatism" these leaders seek is false faith. Christianity is not about one man trying to build himself up and promote his own agenda. It is about reaching out and making a difference in many lives by sharing His love, grace, and mercy. Can you really go on giving your time, energy, and money to support something you know is destructive? Can you go on placing your family at risk by continually exposing them to the toxins of spiritual abuse? Sometimes the best thing we can do for abusive leaders is to leave them. Sometimes the most human act is to let an abusive church die. Stephen Arterburn says, "We must have the courage to follow Christ's example and overturn the system if the system is wrong. Silent submission in the face of violence, dishonesty, and abuse will only enable that abuse to be passed on to generations."

This information was found in Ken Blue's book, "Healing Spiritual Abuse."

The Positive Side

The words in Romans 8:28 ring true to me today…..

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.”

God looks out for us, even when we have gone places He did not lead us. He helps us learn from our mistakes and turns bad situations around for our good. That's what He has done for many people who have left controlling, abusive situations. Even though we haved walked through some very difficult moments, we can now look at the positive side.

Here are some strengths I have noticed that develop in people when they leave controlling churches:

*Greater compassion and empathy towards others

*Analytical thinking (You think deeply about core concerns. From this point forward you will exercise keen judgment and discernment so you will never find yourself in the same situation again.)

*Greater level of honesty and trustworthiness (You are so disgusted at the lies, fraud, dishonesty, and even criminality that went on, it makes you resolve yourself to live in a higher degree of honor and trustworthiness. You don’t want to be anything like your former leaders.)

*Social/community activism (You are so tired of looking inward and catering to the needs of selfish leaders, you become extremely enthusiastic about reaching out and serving others.)

*Fearlessness (You have given into a bully for so long, it’s time to stand up for yourself and take a new direction. You decide no one is going to control you or stand in your way! You also decide to step out and go after your dreams.)

*Courage

*Gratitude (You are so glad to be free from the control, manipulation, and harsh judgment you were under, you become more thankful even for the little things in life.)

*Inquisitiveness and curiosity (You realize it’s okay to question anything!)

*Sense of direction and purpose

*Flexibility

*Openness

*Ability to show emotion

*Ability to be yourself

*Ability to find meaning in adversity

*Ability to cope with difficulties (After all that you experienced and dealt with in a controlling church, handling the normal strains of everyday life seem like nothing. If you have survived a controlling, abusive situation, you can survive just about anything!)

It's Been A Year!

This Sunday marks the one year anniversary of when I left my former church! I feel like having a party to celebrate! I cannot find the words to describe how happy I am to be free from the control I was under. If you have followed my blog at all you know how difficult it has been for me at times, but God's grace has brought me through. I am truly thankful for the important lessons I have learned over the past year.

I have learned to follow my heart and take heed to red flags when they pop up. When there are questions, they are there for a reason. I will never let another man control me or try to take the place of Jesus in my life. I will stand up for what I believe in and I will not keep silent when things are wrong. I have learned that being a Christian is not about following a set of rules and regulations, but it's about having a relationship with God and knowing His love. I have learned that true joy comes from serving others. I have found that there are many wonderful, normal people who love and accept others for who they are. They are true examples of Jesus. I have learned that what really matters in life is loving God and loving people.

I still have some questions, but I know in time all of my questions will be answered. As I look at how far I've come, I am excited about the things I will learn over this next year. There will always be those who are just beginning their journey out of the control, so I hope I can use the experiences I have walked through to help others find their freedom.

I invite you to comment and share an important lesson you have learned. I would love to hear from you!

The Controlling Leader

Here is a list of characteristics of a controlling leader:

*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of his subordinates are ignored

*Preoccupied with looking good, labors to keep up appearances

*Seeks honorific titles and special privileges that elevates him above the group

*Promotes a class system with himself at the top

*Demands loyalty and honor

*Speaks often of his authority, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge

*Stifles any criticism that puts him in a bad light

*Majors on minor issues and neglects the truly important ones

*Speech is vague and confusing when he is defending himself

*Feels the need to embellish the truth and make things appear more or less grand than they really are

*Speaks out boldly on wrong behavior, even when involved in that same behavior

*Believes people are extremely bad or wonderful, depending on the amount of support offered to him

*Motivated by greed

*Impressed with material goods and those who have them

*Fears sexual inadequacy

*Feels he is owed something

*Lives in a false world where he is convinced he is right

*Surrounds himself with people who are insecure and easily swayed

*Manipulates others using guilt, shame, and remorse

*Tries to come across confident in an attempt to cover up his insecurity

*Blames others for his own failures

*Is not involved in any accountable relationships and has no intimate relationships

*When in a bind he will ask for forgiveness and appear sincere in doing so

*Fears not measuring up or losing his image

*Needs professional help

The Controlling, Abusive Pastor

In the book of Jeremiah, God spoke against those who operated in their own authority while abusing the very people they were supposed to bless.

"An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule by their own power; and My people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?" (Jeremiah 5:30-31)

Leaders were using their influence to convince people that their power was divine. Yet in reality, these false prophets and priests were merely wielding their self-imposed influence for personal gain, claiming they were speaking for God. The people bought the lies and believed all the promises that were made. This happened in the Old Testament and it's happening today. Don't let it happen to you!

Here is a list of some common characteristics of a controlling, abusive pastor.....

*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of the people are ignored.

*Focuses on his own never-ending quest for personal fulfillment and happiness, while the real needs of the people are lost or forgotten.

*Expects the people to obey his every command without question.

*Preaches on his spiritual authority every week, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge.

*Tries to take the place of Jesus in people's lives.

*Tells people they cannot leave the church with God's blessing unless he approves the decision.

*Uses scripture in order to gain biblical grounds to control people's lives.

*Instills a sense of obligation by reminding the people of everything he has done for them.

*Demands loyalty and honor from the people.

*Demands performance from people, not accepting them for who they are.

*Thinks the people in his congregation belong to him.

*Manipulates people into giving their money.

*Has an elitist attitude and says that no one else is preaching the gospel as good as he is.

*Overly concerned with appearances

*Has no respect for other churches or denominations.

*Is insecure, jealous, and cowardice

*Uses fear and intimidation to keep people from leaving his organization or church.

*This information is from the book "Toxic Faith," by Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton.

A Crying Shame: Charlatans In The House

I came across a great article called, "A Crying Shame: Charlatans In The House," by J. Lee Brady. Don't fall for these foolish gimmiks!

"Churches and ministries are employing bizarre gimmicks to raise money. What has happened to our discernment?

You've probably heard it on Christian television before. An evangelist opens his Bible, reads a Scripture and then suggests that you send an odd amount of money to keep your favorite program on the air for another month. He begs. He pleads. He cries. And then he tells you that if you hurry and give right now, "while God is stirring the waters," the Holy Spirit will reward you in an extra-special way.

I've heard different amounts suggested-such as $64.11, or $72.14, or $53.24, to correlate with some obscure Old Testament Scripture reference. The implication is that if you write a check for this magical amount, God will release some kind of special blessing on you, such as the salvation of loved ones or the quick sale of a house.

To the untrained ear this may sound like a formula for blessing. Actually it is more akin to superstition-or worse, witchcraft. It's not even remotely biblical, but those of us in the charismatic movement are so used to tolerating such shenanigans that we think this is standard procedure for fundraising.

Some ministers who raise money for Christian television stations have succumbed to the infamous "debt reduction" tactic. It goes like this: "God says that if you will give a $1,000 sacrificial offering right now (God always seems to be in crisis mode in these situations), you will supernaturally get out of debt! The miracle anointing is here! You can release it by writing that check! And we take credit cards, too!"

Talk about voodoo economics. This kind of manipulation is actually against the law in Canada. The U.S. government allows American evangelists to get away with it, but that doesn't mean it's right. It is a spiritualized form of arm-twisting. And believe it or not, it is getting more blatant and bizarre.

A widely traveled minister recently gave a message about what he called "the Boaz anointing" at a prominent church in Florida. He then invited anyone who wanted this "new" blessing to come to the altar, where gullible souls were encouraged to deposit a check for $1,500 in the basket. Apparently the Boaz anointing can be yours if you can afford this hefty price.

At another church in my city of Orlando, a self-proclaimed prophet said that he would have a personal word of blessing to pronounce over any person who could give $1,000 in the offering. That's right- he was selling personal prophecies.Those who actually gave the amount (yes, some people actually fell for this charlatan) stood up to receive "words." I want to rip my shirt in half and throw dust on my head.

Why should we be surprised that the church in America is making such a weak impact on society when we are allowing greedy impostors to pollute our pulpits? They are no different than the sons of Eli, who took the people's offerings "by force" so that they could spend it on their own selfish wants (see 1 Sam.2:12-16). They have fallen into the error of the sorcerer Simon, who offered to buy the power of the Holy Spirit so that he could impress people (see Acts 8:18-20).

And what happens to the people who buy into this craziness? I've heard some suggest that "God will bless anyone who gives," even if they give to a crook. That's hogwash. Those who use manipulation, strong-arm tactics or Scripture-twisting to get money, or who sell the anointing of God so they can buy clothes and houses are not going to release any form of blessing.

Such dark forces actually follow ministries that have given themselves over to this spirit of financial manipulation. The Bible actually says that charlatans - those who follow the "error of Balaam"- will face a harsh judgment. (Jude 11,13).

What can you do about this? You don't have to stop giving. God loves a cheerful giver, but He does not want us to give under compulsion. Nor does He want us to reward the modern sons of Eli. Speak out. Confront those who misuse the Bible to dig for money. Change the channel. Get up and walk out. Give to ministries that focus on meeting real needs and maintain ethical accounting standards. This financial foolishness will end when all of us take a stand."

Shame-Based Systems

If you have ever been involved in a controlling, abusive church, this post will make a lot of sense and hopefully bring some understanding to you. The information I am using can be found in the book, "Tired Of Trying To Measure Up," by Jeff Van Vonderen.

What is a "shame-based system?" A shame-based system can be a church or Christian group in which the authority figure demands a certain level of performance, whether spoken or implied. If you don't live up to the standard of the system, messages that are either subtle or overt will tell you that you are not good enough - you simply don't measure up. But that's not even the saddest part.

Worst of all, a sense of shame can keep you at a distance from God. It keeps you from praying because, "Why would God want to do something from me?" In abusive churches, the disconnected, controlling leaders, who are supposed to represent God, have given people a distorted view of who God is. People who have been in situations like this might think, "Why would God answer my prayers? I don't come close to living up to His standards. He probably doesn't even want to be around me."

People who are involved or have been involved in these types of situations encounter struggles over a period of time.

Here are a few:

*Difficulty trusting people
*Low self-esteem
*Highly performance-conscious
*Don't know yourself very well
*Feel Wounded
*Feel tired
*Can't tell what is normal until away from situation

The following is a list of characteristics that best describe the relationship systems, past and/or present, under which tired, wounded people labor:

1. Out-loud shaming

Comparing one person to another causes shame. Name-calling causes shame. Phrases like, "What an idiot you are!" and "What's wrong with you?" will shame a person. This type of shaming is hard to overcome.

2. Shame-based systems are performance-oriented

We all need an environment where we feel our needs are met because of who we are, not because of what we do. In this system, value and acceptance are earned on the basis of performance. We become ingrained with a need to measure up. We are taught that acceptability comes from religious performance, rather than being taught to rely on our identity as a child of God.

3. Unspoken rules govern shame-based systems

The rule that reigns supreme in this type of system is the "can't talk" rule. The truth of the matter in a church system is that some pastors are afraid of what the existence of a problem says about them as leaders. If there is a problem or question, then the person raising the question is the problem for raising a challenge.

Here is a list of other examples of unspoken rules that govern shame-based systems:

*"What's real doesn't matter; how things look is what really matters."
*"What other people think is more important."
*"Adults are more important than children."
*"People who feel sad are oversensitive."
*"Something is wrong with people who feel at all."
*"Feelings don't matter."
*"We don't have any problems."
*"Questioning is disrespectful."
*"Women are here to do what men want."
*"When women are upset, they're just being oversensitive."
*"It's not okay to have needs - needs are selfish."

Left in the dark, these rules have an incredible amount of power and anyone who brings them to light will be shamed.

4. People in shame-based systems "code" when they talk

In this system when someone asks you "to do them a favor," you know you don't have the option to say no. It wasn't really a favor, but it was a command. It swiftly becomes clear that needs, honest feelings, questions and opinions that differ are not okay. Saying things straight will get you labeled as the problem, so you have to learn how to speak in code to get what you need. You learn to carry an invisible code book in your head that helps you say things with the least amount of waves possible.

5. Shame-based systems have a hard time with kids

Needs, feelings, opinions, and certain behaviors all have the potential to bring on a sense of shame - especially to kids. Everything must be perfect. You must walk on egg shells and take everything seriously. Tow the line, mind your p's and q's, and act your age. Watch what you say and don't make too much noise. It's not okay for kids to be kids in shame-based churches. They must be miniature adults. It's not a healthy environment for children because they don't find out what's real.

6. Shame-based systems are preoccupied with fault and blame

These systems burn a lot of energy in self-defense, and in asking "Who's responsible?" This question is not asked for the purpose of helping the guilty party face the consequences, but it is raised so they can know whom should be shamed and made to feel bad.

7. Shame-based systems are strong on "head skills"

People in shame-based relationships live in a defensive mode. Shame hurts. It cuts to the heart. Therefore, people must become experts at "self-defense" techniques. These include: denying the existence of problems or rationalizing them away and blaming others. In this system, people are constantly interrogated. But the questions have no answers. "I just can't understand why you did that! Is your head on backwards?" "Why did you do that?" The only safe answer is "I don't know." Any other answer would be analyzed and made to look foolish.

8. Shame-based systems are weak on "heart skills"

Experiencing or expressing certain emotions such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, or humiliation is viewed as an indication of weakness or defectiveness. In these systems people believe that feelings should go away. Consequently, they get stuck carrying a lot of heavy emotions and are never able to resolve them.

9. People in a shame-based system only look as if their needs are met

People come away from these systems with a sense that they are:

*Not loved and accepted
*Only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform
*Not capable, valuable, or worthwhile
*Alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone

10. The shame-based church is a system that is upside-down

This relationship system isn't there to pour strength and fullness into its members. Instead, it draws from its members in order to perpetuate itself. Since love and acceptance are something to be earned, members have learned to be good performers. The result is people who are empty and disconnected on the inside with the appearance of fullness on the outside.

People in these shame-based systems spend their lives wondering when they are going to start living and being happy. But life is here to be had and enjoyed freely. Make the choice not to listen to these "killing" voices anymore and choose life!

I Wonder What Jesus Thinks

I read this verse the other day and it hit me in a way I had never seen it before.

"When they arrived back in Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple and began to drive out the people buying and selling. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the chairs of those selling doves, and he stopped everyone from using the Temple as a marketplace. He said to them, "The Scriptures declare, 'My Temple will be called a house of prayer for all nations,' but you have turned it into a den of thieves." (Mark 15:11-17)

I want to briefly share some of the thoughts that came to me....

I wonder what Jesus thinks about the way certain churches handle money. Have some used the church as a way to make money off of honest, God-fearing people? I mean after all, why would a church charge $7 for a CD of the message when it only cost about .40 to make? I know of churches that make all of the messages available free of charge.

Has Jesus gotten upset because honest people have been taken advantage of? I remember a meeting that took place a couple of years back at a very nice venue in town. A special guest was in town and he was going to speak during a luncheon. The true cost of the ticket was less than $20, but the leaders of the church charged $40 for each ticket. The high cost of the ticket made it impossible for some members to attend, but that did not deter the leader's decision to make money off of the tickets.

Is it right to charge more for a church event than it really costs? I don't believe there's anything wrong with covering the cost of an event or even covering unforeseen charges, but it seems to me that the intention of making money off of the church members crosses the line. I think the church should be a place that will try to make a way to include everyone who desires to be a part. The attitude that came across to me was, "If you don't have the faith to believe for the money, then we don't want you to come."

I know God wants churches to prosper so they can get the Gospel out and reach the world, but it should be achieved by honest means. I think people should at least know where their money is going when they give it and I believe people should be treated honestly and fairly at all times.

People should not be conned or coerced into giving - hence the 20 minute prelude before every offering. Do people really have to be pounded week after week, year after year with a mini sermon on tithing? I think the leaders should consider a different approach because if people haven't gotten the message in the 10 to 20 years of hearing it, maybe they aren't going to. I love the approach they take at my new church - let people follow their own heart and give cheerfully when God leads them to.

The main emphasis of a church should never be on money, but it should be on what really matters - having a relationship with God and helping people. Why isn't this the main focus of some churches? I think the answer is clear....To some, money is more important than people. That's not the way it is with Jesus and that may be one reason why He got so upset that day in the temple.

Just curious.....Do you think there is anything to these thoughts and questions I have had or have I misread this?

The Narcissist Leader - Do You Know One?

The DSM-IV, a psychological diagnostic source, recently came out with a list of the criteria for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). A person displaying a pattern of at least five of the following signs indicates that there is a strong possibility that he/she is a narcissist.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he/she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations that others will treat him/her with favor or will automatically comply with his/her expectations.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends.

7. Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behavior or attitude.

10. Will often have temper tantrums, unreasonable expectations, shocking selfishness, and a complete inability to engage in teamwork.

Dealing With Manipulative People

If you think you may be dealing with a manipulative person, ask yourself these questions....

*Have your friends or family members remarked on how you don't seem like yourself since you entered this relationship? Are they looking at you sideways?

*Have your family relationships become filled with tension at the mention of the manipulator's name?

*Are the people who care about you the most getting worried about you?

*Have you severed ties to the familiar stability of the world you have known and placed the manipulator at the center of your universe?

*Are you losing your individuality and strength?

*Do you find yourself doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do?

*Have the goals and dreams that previously defined you all of a sudden been pushed to the back burner?

*Does the manipulator try to isolate you from your friends and family members?

*Are your attitudes changing to more closely mirror the manipulator's rather than who you really are?

*Do you willfully close your eyes to behavior that you know is wrong?

*Do you excuse the manipulator's behavior? Are you constantly defending him/her?

*Does it seem that it's always "all about him/her?"

*Does the manipulator know how to pull your strings? Do you find yourself doing things you really wish you hadn't?

*Does the manipulator try to take over your financial decisions?

*Do you find that you are being controlled or manipulated through half-truths or omissions? Are you slowly finding out that you have been lied to repeatedly?

*Does the manipulator in your life play the victim and blame others for his/her problems?

*Is there just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship?

*Are the manipulator's apologies shallow?

Here is some information that you should know if you are dealing with a manipulative person....

*Being in a relationship with a manipulative person is a destructive cycle.

*People in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend.

*Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family. They have your best interests in mind. When you cut off your support system, it only helps the manipulator gain dominance over you.

*Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by manipulators. It will only hurt you more in the end.

*Manipulative people are often very insecure. The root of their selfish control is their own damaged self esteem.

*Don't try to point out the above warning signs to the manipulator. This type of person won't recognize it and you will only be wasting your time.

*This control doesn't happen overnight, but it happens subtly over a period of time. Manipulators will invest months or even years in "training" you to accept and carry out their will.

*Severely controlling and manipulative people often have clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person. As much as you may care for them, the best help you can give them is to refuse to be their victim and direct them to professional help - although most of the time they won't admit they need help.

*Manipulators are legends in their own mind, but the truth eventually comes to light.

(If you found this post helpful, you may also want to read The Manipulators Behavior Defined and Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?)

Characteristics Of Pathological Liars

I came across this list the other day and thought it was very enlightening. I think we all deal with people like this at some point in our life, although I hope you don't have to very often. Many times controlling, manipulative people have these same characteristics, because they are good at lying.

Here is a list of common characteristics of pathological liars.....

*Contradict what they say.

*Lie about even the smallest things.

*Add exaggerations to every sentence.

*Change their story all the time.

*Act very defensively when you question their statements.

*Believe what they say is true, when everyone else knows it isn't.

*Lie when it is very easy to tell the truth.

*Lie to get sympathy, to look better, to save their hide, etc.

*Fool people at first but once they get to know them, no one believes anything they ever say.

*Are extremely manipulative.

*Have been caught in lies repeatedly.

*Will never fess up to the lies.

*Are a legend in their own mind.

*May have a personality disorder.

A Link To A Special Letter

As I was reading Aida's blog, "Forgetting The Former Things," I came across a link to a letter written by a lady describing her experience of coming out of a controlling church. I am adding a link to this letter because I think it will help others who are recovering from spiritual abuse. Click here to read the letter and comments.

There's No Right Way (In Their Eyes)

If you are thinking about leaving a controlling church, save yourself the trouble of trying to do it the "right" way.

Here is a portion of a comment that a friend named Charley left on my last post......

"After dedicating approx. 2.5 years of my faithfulness, talents, abilities, loyalty, tithes and offerings to a church. I came to realize that "The Apostle" in charge of the place is a victim of "Al-Capone-Pastor-Syndrome" times 10. Of course I have fled from the presence of the "The Apostle's" face. He has prophesied to me that I am under a curse of a 7-year barren wilderness and tells others that I have broken covenant. Now I sit back in dismay and amazement taking solace in blogs such as this one."

I love Charley's touch of humor, but I too stand in amazement that a pastor would treat someone like this and think he can pronounce 7-year curses on people. First of all, it's ridiculous and second it's just plain mean! I have come to realize that no matter how much you have given or how much you try to do things right, there is no right way to leave a church in the eyes of a controlling leader. You can try to walk in love and leave the "right" way, but go ahead and give up trying. Brace yourself because it will be hard, you will be talked about, and it will hurt. I wish someone would have impressed this upon us ahead of time, but I just thought it would go differently because we tried to do the right thing. So I'm telling you now - you can never do it right in their eyes.

We struggled with the "when and how to" of leaving for weeks. My husband and I knew we were leaving, but we tried to introduce the idea slowly to our children because this church was all they had ever known. They were born and raised there. The week before we left, we were getting ready to go to church and everyone was already in the car. I was walking toward the door and I felt as if my feet were embedded in cement. I was standing in my dining room and my husband came to find me. I said, "I just can't do it! I can't go!" The thought of walking in those church doors was more than I wanted to bare that day, but I mustered up the strength and did it because of my children. (A side note - after they learned the whole truth they were ready to leave too.) It was tough sitting through that service and my daughter elbowed me in the arm several times because my sighs were a bit too loud.

The next Saturday, after much agony and much pacing, we made the decision to make the call. Over the years we were taught that if you are going to leave a church, the right thing to do is go to the pastor and tell him. (Most of the time that's so he can talk you out of it or tell you how wrong you are.) My husband made the call, and much to our surprise, he didn't have much to say. Could it be that it was going to be easier than we thought? No!

We began to hear a couple of days later that we were being called "evil" (among other things) because we had called the pastor on Saturday - "the day before he had to preach." (If you are planning on leaving, just let me tell you from personal experience - that's not right in their eyes.) BUT what if we had called on Monday, or how about Tuesday? That would have been the day before he had to preach also. If we had called on Friday, it would have been 2 days before he had to preach. What was the right day to call? Is there a right answer? It doesn't matter what day we would have called - it wouldn't have been right in their eyes. Looking back, my husband said he would not have called at all. But then we would have been evil and bad for not calling and "leaving the proper way."

We saw people who had given so much of themselves for years and it was basically spat on when they left, so why would I think leaving the right way would have been accepted and respected. Controlling people are only concerned about what is best for them and even though they say they care about you, when you leave you will find out they really don't. I thought we owed the leaders something, but we didn't. And you don't owe them anything either. No matter how many ways you try to leave a controlling church, it's going to take some time to get over how you will be treated. Even when you get to new place you will still be reminded of the things you left, but it gets better with each passing day and the freedom is better than words can describe.

I know this is not a cheery New Year's message, but I wanted to tell you these things hoping it would save you some disappointment or pain. I know there are people out there thinking of leaving a controlling church, and if you decide to take that step it will be one of the best decisions you have ever made. Don't let the control they have continue on. Start off the new year walking in the freedom, joy, and peace that Jesus so graciously provided for you!

Charley, keep reading, keep writing things out, and keep the humor flowing!

Merry Christmas!

Where Are You Now?

To those of you who have left a controlling church or been in a spiritually abusive situation, I want to ask a question of you.....

Where are you on a scale from 1 to 10 - with 1 being struggling daily and 10 being totally past it? How long ago did you leave and where are you now in the process? Please try to describe in detail.

I would greatly appreciate your input!

The Value of People

I came across a great article on the Internet at Studentlinc.net called "103 Ways To Add Value To People." There are some very simple ideas here that will show people that you value them. I am only going to list a few, but if you have the time visit their website.

1. Remember people's names. Nothing makes a person feel valued more than knowing they made enough of an impression on you for you to remember their name!

2. Remember people's birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions. Send them a note on those dates to let them know you are sharing in their celebration. It doesn't matter if a person is 4 or 40, everyone likes to be acknowledged for being born. A card or a surprise phone call on their special day will surely make them feel valued!

3. Offer the unexpected, anonymous gift. Bring coffee to your co-workers. Arrive to work early and leave a small gift on someone's office chair. Leave a gift card on someone's windshield. Balloons are also a joyful and visual way to celebrate someone you value.

4. Smile at people. Smile when you talk to them. Smile when you walk by them. Smiles are contagious and free! You can give a smile and possibly make someone's whole day brighter! Your day goes the way of the corners of your mouth!

5. Imagine a "Make Me Feel Important" sign is hanging around the neck of each person that you meet. Instead of walking around thinking that you have learned it all, and know it all; try going out into the world seeking what others have learned as well. Treat others as if they can teach you something!

6. When someone asks for your help or assistance with something, always do a little bit extra. It is the extra that turns the ordinary into extraordinary. This is called "going the extra mile." Zig Ziglar said, "There isn't much traffic on the second mile, not many travel there." It shows people how much you value them when you make the extra effort for them.

7. Spend time with people. Often we communicate a person's value to us simply because we like hanging out with them, even if there's no agenda. Time is a precious commodity and a valuable resource. Spend this resource effectively on others.

8. Strive to be the first to help a person whom you know in need. Have you ever reached to the top shelf for an elderly lady at the grocery store and graciously smiled when she thanked you? If yes, you most certainly made her feel valued! Keep your eyes and heart open for ways to be helpful in your family and your community.

9. Connect people to other people who may be a resource to them. You may know someone who could benefit from meeting and spending time with this person. Take the time to introduce them. Schedule a lunch with yourself and two people that could benefit from each other's friendship. Sometimes people only need someone else to vouch for them and offer a recommendation in order for a relationship to form.

10. Share your knowledge with others. Don't keep your best ideas and strategies all to yourself. People used to assume that knowledge was power. If I knew more than you, then I had some type of power over you. But I don't want to have power over you, I want to add value to you. So I share my best stuff. I give it away. When I discover something (a new tool, a new strategy, a new idea), I pass it on. If you pass it on to others and it's good stuff, you'll discover a whole new kind of power - the power of appreciation.

These are just 10 of the many ways we can add value to people. All people are priceless and we should never be too busy to show love and respect to those around us. Too many people have gone for years, especially in controlling churches, feeling unappreciated and unloved, but it's time for that to change! How we treat people is what really matters in life. I want to share a story with you...

A couple of Christmases ago, me and my family went out for breakfast on Christmas Eve. We began to talk about wanting to give to a family we knew who may not have very much for Christmas. We were all thinking the same thing, but then I said it. "Let's go right now and buy them some Christmas presents!" We went and picked out things for each member of the family. My husband knew the man liked Starbucks coffee, so he bought him some coffee. We bought toys and candy for the children. The looks on my children's faces said it all - this was so much fun for them. We went home and wrapped everything and then we called this family and asked if we could stop by. They didn't have family that lived here because they were from another country, so they were so excited that we were coming. We didn't tell them we had gifts, but when they opened the door their eyes lit up with excitement. They cried with tears of joy and greatfulness. They couldn't quit thanking us. I watched my children and their children as they opened the gifts and the smiles wouldn't stop.

My husband made the suggestion to make some of the coffee he had brought, but the man told him they didn't have a coffee maker. My husband said, "Let's go get one!" So they hopped in the car and went and bought a coffee maker. The man was so excited to be able to make coffee in his apartment. When it came time to pour it up, they didn't have coffee mugs, so we used tea glasses. We stayed for a while, talking, drinking coffee from glasses, and making new friends. It was a wonderful day. We left there that afternoon and my children couldn't quit talking about how this was the best Christmas they had ever had. Making someone else feel valued and loved brought great joy into our Christmas. The next day that family called and wanted to stop by. The little girl had gone through her room and collected a bag full of her special things and she wanted to give them to us. She hugged us and thanked us for making her Christmas special. It was precious. We will never forget that Christmas and it was a great lesson of never taking anything we have for granted. We forget that others may not have things in life - like a coffee cup. And how simple is that - we can stop during our busy day and give something that small to someone and it will mean so much to them.

It truly makes our lives so much more enriched when we value and reach out in love to someone else. God's heartbeat is loving people and when we make it ours too and see the value in people, we will have joy in our lives. My children and I can truly say that the Christmas Eve we visited that family was one of the happiest days of our lives.

Many Voices

I was reading an online book by Ronald Enroth and I found some great information that I wanted to use on my blog. I emailed Dr. Enroth to ask him for permission to quote parts of his book. I waited several days for his response and it finally came. He apologized for the delay and explained that it was because his home was right in the middle of the California fires. His home was spared, but he had to evacuate for a period of time. Even in the midst of all he was going through, he still took the time to graciously answer my email and then he offered to send me some articles that aren't available on the Internet. Wow! There are some really nice people in the world who care about helping others. I've been reading the articles he sent and there is some very helpful information in them, which I will be sharing in the future.

I have talked to 3 people in the last 2 days who are still in a controlling church. They have so many questions and yet they still cannot seem to make the decision to leave. The control these types of churches has over people's minds is strong and it is not easily seen, but once it is seen it is so clear. My hope is that a ray of light will break through and cause many dear Christian people to find the freedom that Jesus provided for them - that's why I earnestly continue to search for more information to share.

In one of the articles Dr. Enroth sent, he gives quotes from many different people who have left controlling, abusive churches and I found them to be very similar to the things I've heard from many of my own friends and family members. Can you relate to any of these many voices?

"Subtly at first, there began to be a feeling of superiority and exclusiveness among the people," says a former elder in a West Coast church, "a feeling that this church was unique and that, while we loved other brothers in Christ, to leave the church would always be a step down spiritually."

"Little by little this man became the standard by which we all sought to live," says on ex-member of a Midwestern church. "The wisdom that poured forth from his lips left us in awe."

"I believed they were telling me what God's will was for my life," another says.

"In such a climate," says one former member, "the individual becomes overly dependent upon another human - the overseer or shepherd - to the point where the individual does not question, but instead relies on an unthinking and unquestioning obedience to directives and policies."

"It was clear, without a doubt, who the leader was - who was giving the direction, the counsel, the teaching," one member says. "His position of authority was secured from the very beginning, and there was never a moment when it was relinquished. There was an implicit understanding that he was 'The Lord's Servant,' the person to whom everyone was subject and to whom we were loyal. We regarded him like the apostle Paul."

"Much of what we did was a direct result of what he said we could do or not do," another former member says of this same leader. "We were adults, yet we were still treated very much like children. He would verbally intimidate you, verbally abuse you."

"We were told that it is more important to obey leaders than to question what they are doing," one man says. "It was unthinkable to question the motives of the pastor."

"Those who questioned the leaders are accused of having a rebellious spirit," says one young man. "My sin, which led to my expulsion, was that I asked too many questions. I have been in services where the pastor would pray against the blight of independent thinking."

"We had cut ourselves off from all Christians except those in our small exclusive group," one man says. "We believed ourselves to be the only church we knew anywhere that sought to be faithful. We saw ourselves blessed of God in that He was revealing deeper truths to us and that we were called upon to stand for the truth."

"Although we didn't come right out and say it, in our innermost hearts we really felt that there was no place in the world like our assembly," says a former adherent of another group. "We thought the rest of Christianity was out to lunch."

"Many times I was encouraged to sacrifice my vacation time at home in order to participate in the group's activities," a college student says.

"Friends of long standing will ignore you," says one ex-member. "They will turn their faces away. The will walk on the other side of the street. They will hang up the phone or not answer the door."

"I felt an unbearable separation from God," one woman says. "I felt like I was divorced from someone I was deeply in love with. My whole life was over. It's not possible to express what horrible turmoil I continuously experienced. I had extreme guilt for leaving my spiritual family and betraying those I loved."

"We were confused, afraid, and in many ways not able to cope in the world as we had known it," one father comments. "Our daughter asked, 'Where else can we go? No other church teaches the truth."

"Independent thinking was discouraged while at the same time, a blind faith was encouraged," says Richard. "The pastor would drill into our minds how, like sheep, we were stupid and needed our shepherd and the safety of the sheepfold, which was our church. We were encouraged to quote the Bible and the words of our pastor, but not to come up with our own ideas or our own interpretations of Scripture."

"I lived under a false guilt that kept me in spiritual bondage for a long time," says one man. "The standards that the pastor imposed on us in order to be faithful Christians were impossible to attain."

Debbie was in a church that was based on conditional love. God is seen as a critical parent, waiting to say, "It's not good enough. Try harder. You could do better." These types of churches cause people to turn to faith in self rather than faith in God. They depend on their performance, not God's wondrous love. Debbie says, "Everybody strived to be a 'worker,' because being a worker meant that you measured up, that you had respect from the pastor. Such a valued person attends all the meetings and is always available to do whatever needs to be done. You find yourself constantly trying to be that sort of person, but never quite measuring up."

Debbie also said, "I spent an entire year talking about my experiences and feelings with another former member. It was a necessary part of my recovery even though there were times we felt guilty and thought, 'We really shouldn't be talking like this.' I went through a stage of being very angry because 14 years of my life were lost. And there are times when I still think that my time there was largely wasted, even though I've tried to come to terms with those years and recognize that there were some good aspects too."

"As a member of a controlling church," Jason reports, "I could not express what I really thought without being labeled and manipulated through that label. A member takes a big risk in expressing true feelings. Especially when it comes to disagreeing with authority."

Jason also said, "I was afraid to leave because I thought I would be leaving God's will. The leaders became God's voice for me. I experienced a form of spiritual intimidation when I suggested leaving."

"Good members prove they are 'good' by not leaving at all - unless they are told," says Phillip. "There is a heavy atmosphere, a more or less constant undercurrent of anxiety over who is really loyal, who is 'in' and who is 'out.' It sounds so right; but in time, it feels so bad."

As one former member tells it, "You have to learn to trust again and learn to establish relationships all over again. Recovery from spiritual abuse is similar to other kinds of victim recovery in that deep healing occurs within and through relationships with others. People who have been deeply hurt tend to be loners, gun-shy, and committed to self-protection."

Many ex-members say they were taught they would be "out from under the covering" if they ever left the group. Some were even threatened with spiritual destruction. One pastor sent this letter of spiritual intimidation to people who were considering leaving his flock: "As your pastor, I warn you that you are headed for the bottom of the sea. When you take yourself out of this move of God, you are going downhill spiritually. Demons are going to have access to you. You are going to lose eternal rewards. You cannot just walk into any church and think you are safe. God won't honor that. He called you here and I am your pastor, no one else. You must follow me or you will answer to God."

I could continue to add quotes and I could add several of my own, but I think these that I have shared cover most of what people experience in these types of churches. Dr. Enroth says, "One would not ordinarily expect to find conditions so conducive to high levels of stress in a church context. Church is where we go to find comfort, restorative grace, compassionate understanding, and spiritual guidance. Yet, for some Christians, their church experiences have been marked by a misuse of position and power by pastors who turn out to be more tyrants than shepherds." It's very sad that many find themselves in a state of confusion, trying to figure out where to go from here. If you have read these quotes and see yourself in the words spoken, there is hope! There are churches that care and that will help lead you back to a healthy spiritual place. Don't be afraid to try again, just use your experiences to know what to look for in the future. Here is a list that Dr. Enroth gives of responsibilities that care-giving churches should offer.....

*Small groups that become caring communities

*Support ministries, like providing meals or help when needed

*Ministry focused, not program driven

*People are allowed the freedom to say "no" to serving

*Help is given to people in times of stress

*People are allowed to be real instead of having to pretend to have it all together

*The church helps people discover their spiritual gifts so the are energized by serving instead of becoming burned out

*The church is sensitive to family needs, no one is expected to attend every event

*The church takes it's role seriously in mentoring leaders

*The church trains people so they can serve and implement their gifts

New Website To Check Out

Check out this new website called Church Exiters. Barb Orlowski started this site after she did countless hours of research on spiritual abuse and the recovery process. I think you will find it to be very helpful.

Thanksgiving At Little Nanny's

I love this time of year! My family looks forward to Thanksgiving every year when we go to "Little Nanny's!" All 65-70 of us gather in Tennesee at my husband's grandmother's farm in a small home that was once a trailer. The numbers continue to increase as the children grow up and have families of their own. It's a happy time! All of the guys get out in the front yard and play football, while others sit in the porch swing and watch. The little kids get "Papa" to walk them to the lake to see the ducks. The women are in the kitchen cooking and getting all of the food together. And of course, there is my sister-in-law, who takes pictures of everything. There is a spread of food like you wouldn't believe and it's funny to watch people start inching towards the front of the line well before it's time. Then there's the call to eat..... and Uncle Jerry says the prayer.

We had a bit of a scare this week though. We got a call that Nanny had been rushed to the hospital with congestive heart failure. She is 89 years old and she has had heart problems for a few years now. For a couple of days she wasn't doing well, but she is better now and she is going home from the hospital this weekend. For 23 years I have been a part of Thanksgiving dinner at Nanny's house and for a couple of days it looked like that was all about to change. I'm so thankful she's going home and we will get to see her again. She has always said she wanted to live to see the 5th generation and she has done that. I know she stands and watches all of the people enter her home each year and she knows she is truly blessed to have this family - this large, loud, happy family.

I have been thinking this week about my own family and how thankful I am to have them. I have these wonderful children and I love them so much. I don't ever want to take my life for granted and I want to always remember to thank God for the things that really matter in life - my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my home, my health, and life! Thank you, God! I know that one day there will be new traditions in my family and I look forward to the day when I watch my children and grandchildren fill my home on Thanksgiving Day, just like Little Nanny.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

On The Road To Recovery

I have been reading the online book, "Recovering From Churches That Abuse" by Ronald Enroth, and I came across a great list of steps that will help you on the road to recovery. I want to share that list and add some of my own thoughts as I go along. (The list from the book will be in green and my own personal thoughts will be in black.)

1. For closure to take place, there needs to be an acknowledgment of abuse. Denying what has happened will only stall recovery.

In my former church we were taught that "confessing" we had needs or problems meant that we were "not in faith." This resulted in me and many others holding years worth of questions and fears inside. I believe you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. That is very evident to me now that I see what holding it all in got me. Since I have been sharing my experiences through this blog, I have taken huge strides on my road to recovery. I believe admittance is very important because if you try to minimize what has happened to you and push it aside, it will only pop up later in your life. Even though it my be hard, admit it now and take these steps so you can truly move forward in your life.

2. Find someone who will listen to your story, who supports your desire to gain healing and restoration.

In a controlling church, you are never encouraged to talk about issues you are dealing with. Even though it may go against the grain of how you have lived for years, you need to tell someone your story. I wrote a post several months ago called, "It's Okay To Get Counsel" because in many controlling churches counseling is frowned upon. If you are feeling like you need to get things off your chest, do it. If you want to share your story on this blog, please feel free to. I understand you not wanting to talk about your situation at your new church because if you told some of the things that happened, people may wonder why you continued to stay. Unless someone is familiar with these types of churches, they just wouldn't understand. Find someone to talk to who has been there and understands. Depending on the degree to which you were involved, you may even feel like you want to talk to a professional counselor - and that's okay.

3. Talk freely about your doubts, feelings, and hopes.

4. Recognize that you will probably go through a grieving process - grief for the lost years, the lost friends and family, and the loss of innocence.

Everyone handles things differently. Some people are just happy to be out and they are able to put the past behind and not look back, but others do grieve. We were always taught the grieving was "not of God" and that you were supposed to be strong and get over it, but in some situations it's a normal part of the process. I cried for a whole weekend when we made the decision to leave. It wasn't because I was going to miss the church or the leaders, but it was because I had spent such a huge part of my life there. I had friends that I had known for years and I knew that many of them were never going speak to me again. I knew that I would be labeled and shunned. I knew my children would lose friends because their parents were taught not to talk to the people who left. I felt like I had wasted years of my life, and the biggest thing I dealt with was that I had kept my children in a spiritually unhealthy place. Yea, I did grieve when I realized I had raised my children in a situation that was now bringing doubt and pain to them and leaving them wondering who in this world they could trust again. Thank God, we are getting past all of that now, but it is a very real part of the process you walk through.

5. Expect to feel fear, guilt, and shame. It is crucial to find people who will support and validate your own step of faith and can help you address your hard feelings.

I can tell you that you will feel every emotion known to man as you leave a controlling church and walk through the detoxing process. It will level out and become easier with each passing day, but don't be surprised if you think you are all over it and then one day it hits you like a ton of bricks. Something you see or read can trigger this reaction and it will be like an aftershock. It's all a normal part of the process. When you have given so much of your life to something and had your children involved in something you now realize was wrong, you won't be able to get over it in a day.

6. Expect to feel foolish and experience self doubt. You may ask yourself over and over, "How did I let this happen to me?" Feeling foolish and regretful about poor decisions is a sign of growth; you will soon leave these emotions behind.

I have asked those questions hundreds of times over the past months. "How could I have not seen this? Why did I put up with that for so long? Where was the love?" I have kicked myself and felt foolish. I have felt embarrassed when I tell people my story, but the most important thing is that I did see the truth and when I did, I left. Don't beat yourself up over it any more and don't ever let it happen to you again.

7. You will need to trust again, in stages. Above all, learn to trust God again. Renew your walk with Him; rebuild a quiet time with Him; don't give up on the church despite it's imperfections.

I have talked to many people who have wondered if they could ever trust again, but it will happen eventually. I have met some wonderful people who have helped me to rebuild my trust, although I have my eyes wide open. Psalm 118:8 tells us it's better to put our trust in God rather than in man. That is one of the problems in controlling churches - you are taught to "honor your man of God" and in many cases people end up honoring him more than God. It is never supposed to be that way! Over the years, I developed a distorted view of God because I thought God was like these controlling men of God in my life that I was told to honor, but since I have been gone I see that God is the opposite of who they are. God is full of mercy, compassion, patience, kindness, and love. It's sad to say, but some have not been able to separate God from the men that hurt them and they have given up on everything. That makes me so sad because God is not who they think He is. He is love. It may take time and don't feel like you have to rush into any of this, but don't let the people of the past keep you from trying to trust again.

8. Relax! Enjoy your new freedoms. Take time for physical recreation, art, music, and just plain fun. Thank God for all the good things He has given us to enjoy.

9. Remember that forgiveness is crucial to recovery. It has been said that forgiveness is for the benefit of those giving it, not for the benefit of the ones receiving it.

I shared this quote on forgiveness several months ago and it has really helped me to look at forgiveness in a whole new way. We were always told we had to "forgive and forget," but I think that was said many times because that's what they wanted us to do. But just read this....

"Forgiveness does not require you to pretend that what a person did never happened and it in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. Forgiveness does not excuse anything. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness releases you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and ability to love fully and openly. Don't let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realized that you have forgiven completely." (William P. Young)

I encourage you to consider carefully each one of these steps. I know of many who have walked this out and are now happy and free. I have walked out these steps and I feel like I have covered a lot of ground on this road to recovery. It has been 7 months since we left our former church and I can honestly say that we have never been happier. God has been so good to us. He has brought some wonderful people into the lives of my children who love them and have made it easy for them to learn to trust again. There are still days when we have to deal with doubts, but it's way better today than it was 6 months ago. This just shows God's love and faithfulness. If you are just beginning this process, I'll just tell you now it takes time and it's not always easy, but you will make it through and you will experience joy again.

If you have found yourself having a hard time trying again, know you are not alone. I had some young people from the former church tell me the other day that they were having a hard time understanding prayer. They explained how they hear other people talk about praying and yet they feel like they don't even know how. Chalk that up to the church they came out of - the church that said, "God doesn't want to hear your problems. He only wants to hear you speak the Word." I told them how when I first got saved as a teenager I fell in love with Jesus. I told them of how I used to lay on my bed and just talk to Him. I would tell Him about my day and I talked to Him about things I was going through. I would share my life with Him and ask Him questions. I lost that over the years of trying to follow the "7 steps to prayer" and trying to confess things a hundred times to make it come to pass. I encouraged these young people to start over and just talk to Jesus. I told them to lay on their bed and say, "Lord, I don't even feel like I know how to pray and I need your help to figure all of this out." I told them to be honest with Him and tell Him about the things that were bothering them. That's what we all need to do. He wants to be a part of everything we do. I can't say it enough - don't try to hide your feelings about what you've been through from Him. He understands and He will help you through all of these steps. He wants all of us to be spiritually healthy and strong so we can help Him do the things that really matter - love people and share the gospel with the world.

*An interesting sidenote - Psalm 118:8 is the verse that's in the exact center of the Bible. I don't think that's a coincidence.